9 years have passed.....

long time... that I haven't typed and shared.
But as we realize another year gone by.  Years are marked by many as the New Year on January 1st, a birthday or a major event that is life alternating.
This year and every year moving forward since April 27, 2011 our marking event we have reached is 9 yrs since our sweet baby boy AJ was in our arms.  I warn and admit freely to many I have moments of heartache from his Birthday on January 31 till his Angel Day on April 27..... this season is coming to a close and I can feel a little freedom from my stitched broken heart to move on with the year. It becomes a little brighter in my heart.

As it hits this year due to a lot of isolation due to Covid-19 virus concerns. I have felt a bit more alone in my grief and stressed due to day to day changes. Over the years we have tried to find ways to share our love for AJ, but I often left myself open for disappointment with lack of support diminishing over the years.  As years pass we have found ways to celebrate and speak his name together as a family. I cherish the quiet Heavenly moments that whisper to me that we are not alone in this.  I know we have our own personal angel that watches over our whole family.  As years pass I wonder if I am doing the right or wrong thing when we remember our sweet baby gone too soon. This year we plan to be together as a family at home ... go to cemetery.... just move through the day of emotions that remind me of the worst day of my life as a mother that followed the most heart wrenching moments for a long time.
I know in this Journey of Grief, Joy cometh in the morning, as a wake in the morning I can feel the warmth of the sun and choose to find Joy every day.
I will choose to find beautiful Joyful flowers tomorrow and maybe into the next day

Our AJ Memory Place

This might have been short, Sometimes hard to find the words and easier to share a little bit of my mama heart 💓

Just Get through the day.... is really how it feels

Our emotions as normal started to build up and accumulate as we anticipated April 27..... 

April 27 is forever a day etched and frozen in time. The day before,  Sunday we started to feel a aching heavy heart. We chose to stay home from church and lay low.  We felt emotionally vulnerable.  Honestly it is easier to hide our raw vulnerability of emotions.  We just wanted to be home where we felt safe.  We made breakfast, cleaned a little bit, went for a drive/adventure and relaxed ..... I also observed Paul looking through Aj's chest. This cedar chest made by Paul holds material memories and what we hold dear to our heart of our son gone to soon.  Walking up behind him I could already feel his tears on his face as he shuffled through memories and what ifs....

We went on a Drive/Adventure. We went up to see the trains and where the locomotives met and brought the east and west together. The Golden Spike historical monument.  I guess what else do you do to distract yourself of your heavy emotions.... Get away into history and bore the kids.

       April 27, 2015 was four years since Aj passed away. I unfortunately had to work while my sweet dear husband spent the day keeping busy on his own.  I found I had to ignore every thought of what April 27 stood frozen in time as to me. If I was to survive the day without a red teary eyed face. I found that my grieving mama heart is often put aside to survive. When the moment came that I could escape work .... my body felt over run with emotion as a walked out to my car. A sense of relief that I could feel my emotions flood. My eyes, heart and mind started to drop. I finally reached my car in despair and tears asking God for the thousandth time in four years why us and why our Aj ??? 

     Later after work we drove out to Hooper cemetery to release balloons. We missed having Roma and Maddy with us this day.  Anna and Cera have adjusted to our rituals and oddly and lovingly look forward to it.  Colt with bright eyes of awe and excitement releases the balloons unknowingly to his older brother. 

Phew.... we got through the day again.

  **   I remind myself it is only one day. Joy is in every day and sometimes easier to find some days than others. I saw the Joy when the balloons were released in each Colt, Cera and Anna's face.

                      Colt was waving bye to the Balloons..... Or maybe waving at his big brother...

Colts Blessing Day

July 7, 2013 We celebrated an important day for our family.

    We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints.  A Baby Blessing is an opportunity that a baby has to receive a name and blessing during Sunday services.  This day for us was to focus on Baby Colt and the gift he is to us from Heavenly Father.  Months ago, before Colt was even born I had picked out a little tan linen pant/vest with a white shirt with blue pin stripes. This outfit even had a tan hat that matched. I couldn't imagine putting Colt in white that day as most have traditionally done. (Placing him in all white brought too many memories of AJ's funeral services).

COLT, was blessed to have a long life. Bring joy and happiness through the doors he walks through.
That morning brought a strong spiritual presence to us of peace....AJ was felt very close. I believe that those that have passed will be spiritually present on special occasions.

 We planned a brunch for after church with family. Colt was passed around and loved on by many.
As usual I got busy with everyone and visiting is missed many photo opportunities.

Also that same day A close friend of our family blessed their baby girl the same day.  How adorable these 2 babies are growing up together!!!!

On the other side of this joyful day.... we never got to have this joyful day with AJ, instead we had a funeral. AJ passed away the Wednesday before he would of had his blessing on that Sunday. It was hard to not make that memory with AJ. It was hard emotionally for me to plan and actually have Colts special day. Due to my fears and emotions.... we tried to keep the invite list small which is hard to do with our very large family.

4th of July, 2013

The 4th of July is always a busy day!!!!  Here is a recap of our whirl wind day with baby Colt in tow.

The morning for many years has always started out with getting girls ready to dance at Layton City park with Touch of Class dance studio.  Layton City Park is always out of control crowded with traditions of summer FUN!!!

After the dance performance was over we piled in the van with cold drinks for everyone.  The hour drive to Heber City began to be with the Kemp side of the family for the afternoon. We all ate amazing summer food.  Aunt Marie made her traditional scones for everyone to enjoy with honey. The  all played in the water and played .

We headed back down to watch the Layton City fireworks!! Paul, Colt and Cera stayed at home away from the noisy crowd. Layton city did a great show that lit up the sky!!!

We wore out Colt for his first 4th of July!!!

The Girls had a fun filled day!!

Back to Work.....

     I went back to work since having Colt. He was 9weeks old at the time I went back. Going back to work always was a nerve racking step after having a baby.  This is another step in our journey since loosing AJ and having Colt. There are so many steps that we/I have had to take the last few years.  I wonder sometimes where these steps are getting us....  these steps are teaching me\us in ways I never expected.
     Remembering back to the worst days of my life when AJ passed away, I had a moment come back to me while I was driving to work.  I remembered back to an instant that I was yelling out in pain and anguish that I would never take another infant to daycare. Many people and family were in my home at that time and heard my anguish and fear.  In my plea and tears it became focused upon my parents to provide an answer or make me feel safe in my future.  At that time my parents made a promise to my plea.  As parents we always want to help our children and ease their pain.  I could see my parents were grieving the loss of their grandson but also were saddened by my grieving heart.  The last 2 plus years my parents have been there and supported me when they could.
      Little precious baby Colt at this time does not attend daycare at this time thanks to his Gamma and Papa Hurd (my Parents)...
     My parents retired nearby and have fofilled a promise that just over 2 years ago my anguished heart expressed a need for. I hope my parents enjoy Colts smiles, his sweet spirit and AJ close by watching over his little brother Colt.  Thank you, Mom for the first morning of reassurance, of when you asked where the monitor was.  I need to hear that you were just as committed to watch over Colt.  No gratitude will ever show enough appreciation for how fortunate I am to have the parents I have.  Thank you, Mom and Dad for setting my mind and heart at easy. Love you

No matter how old we are we need strength from our parents emotionally, spiritually and physically.

As I look into Colts eyes....

Friday July 12, 2013
     As I watch and hold Colt I feel as tho I am reliving moments with AJ and remembering AJ's brief time here on earth. Today I was cuddling Colt, it hit me how familiar the moment felt. Colt was swaddled and getting ready to fall asleep. I remember the sweet feeling I had felt when holding AJ. At this brief moment Colt's shape and weight was a flash back to holding AJ.  As a parent you cherish holding, loving and cuddling your child.  This starts from day one as a bond.  When AJ passed away, my arms were empty in a flash!!  My last memory of holding AJ was feeling his weighted little body just over 10lb that was no longer warm and snuggly.  I miss holding and watching his growing earthly body.
     Colt is now 8 weeks old. I keep having thoughts of a count down for the next 4 weeks. AJ passed away to SUID/SIDS when he was 2 months 27 days old. Meaning.... In my mind I am remembering AJ's last few weeks... What did we do with AJ, his smile and his giggle.  The girls getting toys to make him laugh and tickleing him.  Our usual rushed schedule of dance and school, AJ rode along in his car seat smiling at his sisters.  Thinking in my head of a countdown of sort has begun. This is hard to explain to someone who has not lost a child.  Oh... how I miss AJ!!!
I miss that Colt doesn't have his big brother here on earth to wrestle, play and learn from.  If AJ was still here on earth he would be 2 1/2.  Life would be much different for us running after a 2 1/2 yr old and taking care of a newborn, and ....keeping up with the 4 girls.
 I want to build, cherish and remember every moment with Colt.  I'm grateful for having a second chance to remember memories of AJ.

Mornings and bath time....

          Every morning Colt is so happy and interactive for over an hour or so. I love the mornings with him!!! I'm not the only one who does.... every one ends up on our bed watching, talking and trying to play with Colt. Colt will smile and look around. I am astonished at how happy he is. He will smile and have a happy countenance about him.  One morning I tried capturing a picture of him smiling...I kept missing!!! He would smirk or smile and I would push the button on the camera and miss the smile.  When Colt smiles he brings joy to my heart that has been mending. Watching him smile and have such Joy brings tears to my eyes of happiness and Joy!!

Bath time for the first time was fun!!!

He actually was really relaxed and then started to get cold and wanted out I think.  Right before we got him out we captured a picture with his fist up ....we all laughed!!!

Maternity pictures, I know I little late....

     I was a little nervous about doing these.... I had almost backed out several times.  When I was pregnant with AJ I had thought about doing maternity pictures, It became a fleeting thought.  When he had past away, I had wished I had.  It would have giving me just one more memory that I had built regarding AJ.  I had several people encourage me to follow through with doing the pictures while I was pregnant with Colt.   I followed through with with doing the pictures with encouragement and skepticism. 

     As time got closer to the scheduled time for pictures, I felt some reservation for several reasons.     One...  I have a hard time being the center of a picture looking larger than I normally appreciate even when not pregnant.  Two..... I had worry about how I would bond with my unborn son.  (that idea has been well overcome).

   

     I was amazed how doing these pictures helped me feel closer to my unborn son and peak my excitement of him coming.  The comfort I had leaving when finished was much different then when I had arrived!!! I left with comfort of Joy, peace and Love of a child that was having the same feeling about joining our earthly family.

                                                                            

 

     These Little white leather shoes were made by my dad many years ago  for my daughters. AJ even wore them a time or two.  I love these shoes!!  

This bear is our AJ bear that was made in memory of AJ. This bear will forever be found in pictures of our family and is found in our home.

                  

I would not have been able to have made this step of comfort before Colt came without you Karina..... Thank you Karina for taking these pictures, you are wonderful and full of love, support and understanding!!!

Comments From Sisters....

Comments that 4 older sisters have said about Colt.....

Cera: " Is this AJ?"
          " I cant say Hulk (meaning Colt), how about we call him Jacob Nicholas"

Anna:  "Can I hold him again, please?.."
            "Is he awake yet"

Maddy: " I cant get my homework done, Colt is very distracting"
             " He is... oh, so Cute"

Roma: " Hi Bubbers"

I can only imagine and dream how AJ would have been and acted around his little brother..... AJ would have been just over 2 years old.


     I worried about how these 4 sisters would be having a baby in the home again.  I was worried they would protect themselves and not get close to Colt.... But, no it has been the opposite of my worry!!  4 sisters take every chance to hold and love on Baby Colt!!!  He is one loved and spolied baby brother!!

Colt's first day at church

We dressed up our little man and took him to church today!!!!

 Living through moments and building memories of Colt, I honestly relieve memories and I am remembering AJ moments. I will cherish the next few months with the opportunity to make many new memories and remember other memories that i may have forgot.

Silly little boy sleeps with his arms above his head.... Love every little thing he does.

Memorial Day 2013

       Once again we went out to Hooper Cemetery to take balloons to AJ.  My parents also meet us out there.  They recently have moved here to Utah. The only thing new and different was that we took Colt for the first time.  The girls seemed excited to take Colt. One of the girls said to Colt,"You get to go see your brother!".  That actually brought tears to my eyes.  I know he wont, but in the innocence of a child that is what they see as the place where we visit/honor/remember AJ.  I know and feel that AJ is with us and watches over us.  He is with/near us not just hanging out at a cemetery.

Cera once again running through the cemetery

     As I have mentioned in a previous blog I feel that AJ and Colt are Eternal Best Friends and have always been close. I am a lucky mother to have been blessed with sons that have always been friends and will run to each other when they see each other again in Heaven!!!!

Colt Thomas Robison

Our new addition !!!! 

May 16, 2013 11:07AM

7 lbs 15 oz and 19 in long

                                                                                   

Colts little details...

• Dark brown hair on the back of his head, fuzzy on top
• Little tufts of hair on his ears
• Folded ears, slowly unfolding
• Soft warm skin
• Chubby kissable checks
• dark eyes trying to open with effort
• Curling up his legs
• Making faces while he sleeps
• New baby scent
• Small little hands/feet
• A cry saying "Hello"

Hospital pics that were done.  He is adorable in every way!!!! We love him to pieces!!

                                                                   

 




Heading home to his new earthly adventure......

Our new arrivals Journey begins......

My denial begins of the events that were to start to unfold.....

     On May 15th, 2013, I awoke with many ideas of what I wanted to get done that day.  I had errands to run and projects to get done. One project was to get my flower pots filled with new flowers for the season.  Cera, Cady (Cera's friend), Roma and I ventured out to the errands for the morning.  Drop of other kids to school started the adventure.... stop by a friends to buy skirts for the girls, buy flowers for pots at Joe's greenhouse and a quick stop at Walmart. After the errands Roma went to lunch with friends and I dropped Cera and Cady off at kindergarten.  I was craving protein, so I called my parents to meet up for lunch.  We meet over at BBQ place so I could have protein... HaHa...Ha.. This craving of protein happened just before I went into labor with Cera. I knew, I would go into labor within a few days.

     During lunch with my parents I started to have contractions.  I figured braxton hicks contractions, not the real contractions.  My parents became a little suspicious of the on going contractions.  We went back to my house after lunch. Kids came home from school. My parents hung out with us, while I continued to have contractions.
   
      My project of the flower pots, dawned on me! I didn't want to waste money spent on flowers.  My parents and kids got trapped into my project!  It became kinda comical as I would have contractions and try... to help plant the flowers in the pots.  My Dad kept the project going and told the girls, "when your mother has an idea in her head she won't stop till it is done". Thanks Dad it got done!!!

     Around 5 pm my husband came home from work.  With contractions still continuing, my parents felt it was ok to leave now with Paul home.  Like most women, I don't like to head up to Labor/delivery and be told my body is not ready and return home.  I thought I would lay down and see if the contractions would stop.  And....No, contractions continued with irregularity and getting closer.   Around 730, Paul had to go get Maddy from dance.  While he was gone he had Cera write down the times I was having contractions while he was gone.... She was excited to have the responsibility to watch me in pain..HAHAHA...  She was on top of writing down the times of contractions that where any where from 3- 9 min apart.  After awhile she got quiet and fell asleep.... and Paul was only gone 45 min!!! 

     As the evening rolled by Paul and the girls talked me into packing my hospital bag.  As it past 10 pm, Paul was adamant that it was time to head to the hospital. To be honest I was in some denial of it was time to have our newest addition.  I had a heart full of fear and a heart that has been mending. I was scared and worried about bonding with this new baby boy.  Part of my heart was trying to protect the broken part of my heart from losing AJ.  So many mixed emotions and the fear of losing another baby were hitting me!!! I finally gave in and went to the hospital.... I was not sent home ...I was admitted to have our new arrival!!!!
   
     And ...as I laid in the hospital bed my anxious heart had a sense of calmness and relaxed.  I knew my heart was ready for this baby boy to bring Joy to my/our broken hearts.  At that moment I didn't realize that the sense of calmness had been bestowed upon me by a our Heavenly Angel that watches over us. I had dreamed and wanted to feel AJ close during this moment when he was sending his little brother to us.  I believe and feel AJ helping me to feel calm and focus on bonding with his brother was his way to be there for me. No matter how close but so far apart apart Heaven and Earth are, I know AJ is closer than we know.

     At the moment as I heard our sweet brand new baby cry, All I could do is cry. My tears were of many feelings and emotions. This is hard to describe, yet my tears flowed as I was handed this brand new sweet baby.  To hold a baby again.... my/our baby.  I whispered many times to this little baby, "Stay with us, please don't leave us".

    The 2 closest ways to be near to Heaven, holding a baby just sent from heaven and being at the Temple.

     We had troubles naming this little boy.  It took several hours for Paul and I to agree on a name.  This sweet little boy was finally named ....Colt Thomas Robison!!!

Bring out the baby stuff....

       2 years ago I felt as if all of the baby stuff was taken from me!! It is harder than I thought it would be to bring it all back out... When AJ passed away I felt as tho everyone kept trying to take/hide the baby stuff away. It was all disappearing and being put away.  Unknown to me others were doing this to protect me.  I do remember at one point yelling, and saying "Stop, leave it alone!".  
     Now as time quickly is upon us for this new little baby boy to join us, these baby items are being brought back out.  I haven't seen or touched these items in so long.  As I look and touch these items, glimpses of a baby "AJ" comes rushing back to me with tearful memories and heartache.  A car seat, stroller and a bassinet were the first of items to be touched and release memories good and bad from just over 2 years ago.  As I put the bassinet back together, I found the sheet from AJ still on the mattress waiting to be washed. This brought tears of a time ripped from us and put away.  Another item that still sits bagged up waiting to get wiped down, is the car seat that Paul hand picked out. 

   

 The seasons will be off from AJ to this baby. It has been wonderful to get so many things just for this wee little baby that is coming.  It was hard to look at a filled baby dresser that I never unpacked from AJ.  I have wondered what I/we would be ok seeing this new son/brother wearing that AJ did.  We are learning between Paul and I that certain items effect us individually and different.  One item has hung in our bathroom for 2 years was a white washcloth that was used on AJ.  It has now been switched out for a brown washcloth.

We were given this pillow, I love this quote and makes me think of my sons especially today on mothers   day.    

     My heart will forever ache for our son AJ, but is opening up for a new little spirit that I wish could tell me his heavenly secrets of his older brother. 

Excitment, Worry or Fear is Building.....

                                I have never felt such joy/excitement and anxiety/fear all at once!!
                                                 

                           I am thrilled beyond words to have another son in just over 7 weeks!!!

Before AJ passed away I was not one to have anxiety, but since then I have noticed many moments of anxiety.  I am learning how to cope with these feelings.  I have noticed my anxiety and fear of this new little boy coming to join us. I have been told it is ok and normal what I am feeling.  I have had dreams of not letting this little baby out of my sight.  I am learning and figuring out what I can do to help ease my emotions. 
     There are clothing items, a car seat cover and several other things that I won't emotionally be able to reuse.  Some items will forever be connected to memories of AJ and not used for another.  Only those that have lost a child can understand this thought process.
      I have already bought a blessing outfit for church for this new little one. I purchased something not white, I could not bear to see another son of ours all in white. It would bring to many tearful memories back to me.
      I'm researching monitors to watch respirations.  There are some monitors available, that alarm if the baby has no movement.  I like to plan out and know what to expect.  In analyzing my own reactions and behaviors, I feel like I am trying to plan out certain things that I can have control over.

These are ways my fear is out weighing my emotions..... I do know that this sweet baby will bring more Joy  to our family more than we will ever know!!!  --- Just like today Cera was touching my belly and felt the baby move!!! she jumped and got so excited. I know these sisters will Love and cherish their new brother and watch a close eye on him!!!